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Flesh - a short story by oomizuao Flesh - a short story by oomizuao
This is a short story I wrote once that was based on a dream I had. When I woke up from that dream, I luckily wrote down everything I remembered, and from those notes, I made this.
It was originally written in Norwegians, so all the names are in Norwegian.. Hope it doesn't make it difficult to read.. :B

Also, this is my first attempt since junior high to write a short story. Normally I write novels.. XD
So if you have any critique, let me know :)

I wanted to post this so you could have something else to read while waiting for SPIKE to get finished. :3

I'm very curious to hear what you guys think of this.. ^^; *nervous*





ok, I'll shut up now..



story created and written by: Elise Marie Syvertsen 2011
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:iconredyume:
Over all I would say this is a well written and extremely visual short story. There's just enough description to paint a picture with plenty of room for the reader to draw their own conclusions, and fill in the blank spots with something from, perhaps, their own personal experience. This is a very hard balance, considering too much description makes a story slow and self serving, while too little leaves confusion and is hard to follow. In 'Flesh', this balance is achieved and kept with near flawlessness.

There are a few minor details I was not fond of, however. This started with the first sentence, in reference to the blue car. The structure indicated that the story is going to be 3rd person or omniscient perspective, but the second goes on to use, "I" - indicating 1st person. I would consider revision. Secondarily (but forgivable) is the use of commas in conjunction with the word, "and" over the course of the story. I realize this was originally written in another language, but it is distracting to see two such barriers when only one is needed.

I liked the mention of the lemmings and the foreshadowing of death that it could be seen to signify. The younger brother, Morten, is a small and innocent child, much like the lemming is small, innocent and fragile. The premonitory nature of its death is both noteworthy and commendable. Since this story is based on a dream the author had, I would have to say she is wired for literature even in her subconscious. This tool of repetition and foreshadowing is used in thousands of instances in classical works.

One part I would consider revising was actually the pivotal moment concerning the harvester/combine. While I believe confusion was adequately conveyed, the fright and terror the machine must have instilled was somewhat muted. Perhaps this is due in part to the frequent time comparison (from child to adult and back again), but as a reader I didn't gather the gravity of the situation until it was already over.

On that note, I was a little confused as to whether the driver of the machine had his friends killed along with Morten. The description of limbs and blood would suggest that yes, they died too, but their positioning and subsequent demise was sidelined almost to the point of being (morbid) decoration rather than people. I understand that the focus was on Morten and his sibling (our narrator), but it was just a little unclear.

I thought the gore was expertly handled. It was enough to make my eyes go wide and mouth drop a little in shock, but not so much that there was a fixation over it. An immediate emotional response was evoked and in good literature, that's what I look for. There was certainly a moment of connection there. Likewise, from the start there is a need to know what this horrible event was and the author is careful to give only the barest hint as to what it might have been.

In conclusion, I really enjoyed this read and will most likely go back and read it a couple more times. I've been an avid fan of 'Spike' for some time now and this little piece only shows that the author can move well between story length and genre to give her readers far more than might initially be assumed. This is no, "One trick pony" and I look forward to many great things from her in the future.
What do you think?
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:iconjennifeary:
Critique by JenniFeary 6 days ago
This short story has an extremely great use of imagery. Your use of words paint a very vivid image for the reader. Your style of writing is fantastic as well. This story is very well written. I would even go as far as to say you are as skilled with words as the professionals. This piece had great emotionally impact. And was all in all a very powerful piece. I honestly have nothing negative to say about this. I could see it as though it were a film playing out due to how excellent the imagery was. I think your two strongest skills here are imagery and ability to convey all levels of emotions. It makes the reader get a sense of empathy. I could feel the pain, the sorrow despite never having gone through these things myself. Bravo OOmi! Hands down, the best short story I have read in years.
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:iconjennifeary:
JenniFeary Featured By Owner 6 days ago  Hobbyist General Artist
Amazing but I expect no less from the great Oomi!^_^ Keep up the wonderful work. If you ever get published I will buy all your stuff for sure!:3
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:iconvictorythegreat:
VictoryTheGreat Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2015  Student General Artist
Very sad story, but wonderfully written with great detail.
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:iconlunar-glow:
lunar-glow Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2013
Very sad, very heart wrenching. This is excellent writing. Really depressing, too.
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:iconkona-nyann:
Kona-Nyann Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
When the mother was shrieking for Morten...it was absolutely amazing. Not the death, just the feeling I got from reading it. When that part came, I literally felt pain going through my heart. Great work!
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:iconnovae999:
Novae999 Featured By Owner Oct 6, 2012  Student Writer
So.., creepy... I LOVE IT!:eager:
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:iconrazor123123:
razor123123 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2012
THIS WAS AWESOME
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:iconcommandorye:
CommandoRye Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2012  Student Artist
This made feel horrible when I read it, but it was a "good horrible", if that makes any sense...
The boy's laughter was a little weird and I'm still not sure about it, but I think I'm getting the picture.

Thanks for being so freakin' awesome! :3
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:iconblizzardsknight:
BlizzardsKnight Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Student Writer
I really appreciate the suspense in this story. You don't really expect that to happen, even while reading the events up to it. Well done and keep it up! :squee:
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:iconredrose-angel:
Redrose-angel Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
;_; thats very grousome i feel very sorry for the brother the most though his kid bro dies, mother in an asylum, dad in very deep depreson.... not much of a family left if u ask me. but very good story
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:iconjroy101:
jroy101 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
gruesome
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:iconcyang908:
cyang908 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
amazing story.. very powerful and amazing once again XD
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:iconshadow-blossom888:
Shadow-Blossom888 Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2011
it's interesting and well written...but very creepy
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:iconbarbellustresilis:
BarbellusTresilis Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
this gave me the chills to read, very well done!! xoxo
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:iconchobits-chik:
Chobits-Chik Featured By Owner Oct 31, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Scary but amazing
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:iconchelidoni:
Chelidoni Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2011
Very touching!
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:iconbraeus:
Braeus Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2011
Pretty intense, and certainly very detailed for a dream. I see you lust for the macabre even in your dream-state.

I notice you used mainly male characters in this story (obviously this wasn't a conscious decision...literally) which seems to be a staple of your work. Any reason for this?

Also, I don't suppose I can get an update/progress report on SPIKE? I'm keen to know how it's going since you announced you'd overcome your writer's block.
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:iconflamy-star:
Flamy-Star Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2011
Wow, that was intense. Didn't expect such a horrifying event, but that made the story what it is - stunning. In a good way :3
Absolutely loved this <3
Love your writing : D
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:iconyobi-chan:
Yobi-chan Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
.... I'm about to cry in the sorrow the narrator feels... so scary and so heartbreaking... *sniff*
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:iconippikiokamixiii:
ippikiokamiXIII Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2011
i feel like my blood drowned out of me and i think my hands a re trembling. something about your stories make me want to read more and more, its like i cant get enough. thank you so much for that brain of yours. i love the story because of the idea, the detail, your characters, and especially the emotion. its like you have a special power that captures emotions between paper and words. I LOVE IT :la: thanks for the awesome-tastic short story... you should write a halloween story, but that might be asking for too much...food for thought :dummy:
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:iconoggyb:
oggyb Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011
I agree with *RedYume on the very matter of fact way you dispensed with the other children to focus on Morten. It was almost like we're supposed to believe they weren't really likeable or indeed human,, but that's not true.

Cleverly written as usual.
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:iconxxsonicforlifexx:
XxsonicforlifexX Featured By Owner Oct 12, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
this is extremely sad gross amazing rage endorsing and so much more I WANNA PUNCH RAGNAR!
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:iconshae-luvs-xei163:
shae-luvs-xei163 Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i.....cant............describe....
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:iconfangflower:
fangflower Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Ah, i always love a well written story:heart: And while some of the wording seemed a little strange to me, this was exactly that. Fantastic job! Morbid, but fantastic.
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:iconmaximusfart:
Maximusfart Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Student Digital Artist
This was so fantastic and well written but... it sorta made me feel sick after I had read it. It's a very unpleasent feeling but the fact that simple words can make me feel so much emotion is amazing. You have true talent and for that I congradulate you. *Tips hat then goes off to dark corner to cry for a while*
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:iconteaaddict007:
Teaaddict007 Featured By Owner Oct 11, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
I'm speechless. There is no word in the history of dictionaries that can describe how amazing this is. I was just so synced with the story, it felt like the world had just faded away. I could just picture every moment of it, his father's blank stare, his mothers shrieks, the carnage, everything. This has to be my favorite short story I've ever read. Great job, oomizuao, keep writing.
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:iconviogreen77:
VioGreen77 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2011
I'm using my dreams as inspiration for my epic, Dare to Dream. ^^
I wish I could recall more of my dreams, though. =/

Anyway, this was... chilling. It made a very large impact and was very visual.
I like the way the title makes a full-circle, but I'm not too sure I like this as a first person narrative. I understand this is the character himself recalling the event, but all in all it seems a bit... Too personal in the beginning?

My main point is the foreshadowing. There's a lot of hype crammed in there and it gets a little repetitive to me to read "where it happened" or a phrase of the like. Personally, I don't think it really needs that much emphasis. The story with the lemming was a wonderful tangent (a simple concept of death and the ignorance of children. Very clever themes in there) and I think that would be enough instead of tapping into the present character's thoughts of "it pains me to be here." Maybe it's just my taste, but I like those types of things to be shown in symbolism or actions. It's one thing to say you're in pain, and another to tremble, shake, stutter, etc.

I liked the scene where he arrives to his father. The actions of a hand on the shoulder or patting his knee; those work wonderfully and it really sets up the rest of the story well. Those moments got me very curious as to "What happened?" and the climax really doesn't disappoint.

Ingmar is a curious sort to me. He just seems to come out of nowhere at the very end and his appearance seems to be added in at the last minute to me. =/ I think it would have been better to mention him in passing when the other children were introduced instead of throwing him in after we read the shock of the climax.

The main character's feelings towards Rangar at the end seemed very well done. Though, we really don't know too much of how the main character acted after he discovered his brother's remains. We know he avoided Rangar and we know the discovery of the hand and clothing, but we really don't see much of how it effected his life. Then again, I think that might be to your advantage. It almost gives me a feeling of how he doesn't want to remember, how he wants to forget and that maybe he even did forget some of the details over time and in the whisp of chaos when the incident occurred. In other words, it lets us, the readers, ponder this and think for ourselves what this character is like today. I like that. ^^

In his recollection, I like how there are things that I can relate with to my childhood. The tabboo sense of cuss words, the group of children who always want to brag and feel special (this story could be considered cautionary, actually. Reminds me of the Brothers Grimm, only the style is far different from a fairy tale), the one kid who everyone dislikes but never tells him to his face, etc. It makes it easier to relate to the characters.

Anyway, all in all, I like this story. Very adult, very chilling, great details and imagery, good use of actions and emotions, a main character we can relate with, a full circle title and some interesting philosophical questions may be drawn from the reader to get us thinking. Great job, I enjoyed reading (good timing for Halloween too. XDD)!

Anyway, I know I probably shouldn't be writing a critique (as I'm nowhere near an expert on writing. I love stories, I love reading certain genres and I do dabble in writing myself, but I'm not flawless myself. XP Just listed things that caught my eye in the story, so I'm sorry if it all seems out of order and jumbled).
And I know this isn't really a critique. I'm not a premium member, so I can't submit this as one. ^^;
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:iconinkclaw88:
inkclaw88 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
i love this your writting is so amazing!
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:iconotterbane:
Otterbane Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, maybe I should start using some of my own dreams as inspiration, I'm pretty sure they'd all end up something like this...

I wish I could write out a proper critique, but all I can say is the transition from Norwegian to English has been done very smoothly with only a few very minor errors, the Norwegian names actually give the story a more 'exotic' flavour to those who live outside of the country, giving a distance between the reader and the actual machinations of the story.

... Still, just wow.
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:iconzeacorzeppelin:
ZeacorZeppelin Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Student General Artist
:-?
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:iconslevenwolfgirl:
Slevenwolfgirl Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Student Digital Artist
wow! that was a strong short story. great work!
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:iconfanartlover1234:
fanartlover1234 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
holy cow this is amazing
i mean, just excellent job
its powerful
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:iconkite208:
Kite208 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011
I am so amazed that you can able to remember your dreams.
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:icongivememoonlight:
GiveMeMoonlight Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Student General Artist
Just to point out grammatically, it's 'name, name and I' instead of 'me, name and name'. Just saying...but very well written and I look forward to Spike.
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:iconjasperhale22:
Jasperhale22 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I was beginning to think this was real at the end...so sad and scary o_o
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:iconobsoleteslur:
ObsoleteSlur Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
*shudders*
that was so well written...but so creepy at the same time.....
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:iconbaudelier92:
Baudelier92 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011
Ur dreams r cooler than mines ._.
R they antros, or just humans? i just wanna know :meow:
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:iconvoiceofvirtue:
VoiceOfVirtue Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I can honestly say that this gives you a lot to think about. The emotions that hit you are hard to experience to the extent that they are written, which is probably the most effective part of the story. I love how you switch between past and present, it makes me want to keep reading, but not too fast or it'll be over too soon :)
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:iconbullerthepirate:
BullerThePirate Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Student Digital Artist
Wow this is so good!! Great job!! :D
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:iconjadekingfisher:
JadeKingfisher Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Student Digital Artist
sht dude that was intense <3 srsly so scary and yet so awesome > <;
twas a good read :D
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:iconblackknife33:
blackknife33 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011
You're the only author that can make me shiver as i read. Great content!
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:iconspork-in-your-eye:
spork-in-your-EYE Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011
absolutely love the way you kept me reading. i'm like dammit! what happened!! what's the incident?!?! lol amazing.. as soon as the combine was mentioned i knew someone was gonna die though XD

your transitions between the memory and the present were very smooth too! great job! sometimes those get a little tricky :) definitely surprised me at the end still though. i wasnt sure if it would just be death and carnage and that was it, but i'm glad you told us a little of the after math :) this could definitely be expanded if you really wanted it to be longer. you have a creepy character to play with, i'd like to see him some more if you do expand on this!!
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:iconateck5:
ateck5 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
do you really get that well, rough dreams alot? i never dream something like this :s
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:iconrobowolf1997:
robowolf1997 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011
Reminds me of the way stephen king writes his stories :)
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:icontamina16:
Tamina16 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
So gory D: But very well written
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:iconnoodlesan64:
noodlesan64 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011
O.o thay story was so touching and tragic and I loved it I think your a fantastic writer!
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:iconsophellis:
sophellis Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Student Traditional Artist
Amazing!
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:iconimmediately1121:
Immediately1121 Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I really like this, and the names didn't make it hard to read at all (I actually like it when names are in other languages). I would agree with others that the boy at the end sort of ruined it a bit but other than that it was a great read ;)
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:iconthenameiswater-wea:
TheNameIsWater-Wea Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Very very sad... It's amazing what our minds can come up with even if we're feeling perfectly fine... You wrote it very well, too.
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:iconthe-silver-fox-inari:
The-Silver-Fox-Inari Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Student General Artist
Ugh that's so depressing and sick and morbid. Fantastic work.
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:icontakki-says:
Takki-Says Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
very intense
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